Coping With The After-Effects Of Divorce
An entire way of life that revolved around your family home and that you had got so used to for many years, abruptly comes to an end. The family ceases to exist, the marital property is divided and the children are handed over to one parent for safe custody. The partners wash their hands off each other and from then on do not recognise any obligation toward each other.
After divorce, despite your negative feelings, deep down you still retain very good memories of your family and the time you spent together with your spouse. Despite all the bitterness resulting from separation, you still long for the good times when you had gone on vacations together, watched movies and went out for romantic dinners early in your marriage. You may love or hate your ex-spouse, but you just cannot seem to forget him or her. These mixed feelings confuse you. You do no know how to come to terms with them.
You are restless and ill at ease. Sometimes, negative feelings may become intense and you may slide into teeth-clenching fits of anger or bouts of depression. Other times, you may feel nostalgic about the many years you spent in taking care of your children and carefully choosing which family assets to buy with your income. Coping with the after-effects of divorce is a mammoth task in itself. But you can make your ordeal easier if you follow the following rules.
Don’t Play the Blame Game
One of the biggest mistakes people make after their divorce is to enter into a blame game. These are of two types – those who blame themselves for whatever has happened, and those who blame their partners. The former would result in a deep guilt-complex that may lead to chronic depression. The latter leads to a lot of accumulated anger and a desire for revenge that gnaws you from within.
Both feelings are caustic and will begin to corrode your personality. The biggest virtue you can cultivate during this time is acceptance. You should just admit to what has happened and accept that your family is no longer united. Such acceptance and resignation to “God’s will” gives an inner peace.
Divert Your Attention
The worst thing that you can do after your divorce is to keep reliving the bad memories again and again in your mind. This will never allow you to come out of your predicament and get your life back on rails. Regardless of how depressed and low you are feeling, you should force yourself to divert your attention.
There are many ways to do this. You can pack your bags and go exploring other countries. You can take up a new hobby such as gardening or acquire a pet such as a faithful dog. You can take deep interest in movies, especially comedies, to lighten up and learn to laugh once again.
Get Professional Help
Trying to come to terms with your mixed emotions after divorce is a painful process. It is much easier if you take someone’s support in this moment of need. Professional psychologists or counsellors can ease the whole thing by getting to the root cause of your inner turmoil. They are specially trained and qualified experts who have acquired great insights into human behaviour. Such counsellors can pull you out of your condition and get you back on tracks again.
Write a Diary
Learning to write a diary has an amazing cathartic effect. It is you conversing with your soul every night. After you have written your inner most feelings on paper, you feel as if a burden has lifted off your shoulders and you have got all the stress and negativity out of your system.
Take up Yoga and Meditation
Yoga is the great Indian secret to healing your body and mind. No one knows how Yoga works and how it affects our nervous system and brain, but it has an amazing calming affect. Meditation is an essential part of Yoga that teaches how to develop one-pointedness. Yoga and meditation together are wonderful and inexpensive healing tools available to anyone who wants his mind to spew some stress.
Relax and Enjoy
After divorce, it is not long before the negative feelings begin to take a toll on your mind and body. You owe it to yourself to take good care of your own person. You should eat a nutritious diet and occasionally pamper yourself by a sauna or gym session. Also, you should consciously try to relax and unwind by inviting friends over or gong out with them over the weekends.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the positive effects on children from divorce?
dont tell me that there arent any
cuz i know some children who are happy that their parents are split up
With the negative effects that divorce has on children, are they outweighed if one parent is mentally ill?
My wife has Borderline Personality Disorder. It is hallmarked by continual suicidal attempts, cutting and self harm, unfillable emptiness, often estranged from adult children and those closest to them except husband until divorced, infidelity, massive lying, arrested emotional development to age 3, sees themselves and others as all goo or all bad and fluctuates minute to hour based on moodiness, can mentor predisposed children into becoming borderlines themselves, selfish, never satisfied, always bored, risky activities like unprotected sex, bulimia, drugs and alcohol, no regard for consequences, trouble forming memories to learn from past mistakes, unstable relationships, borderline crazy, has a facade that handles adult roles that gets a job and you would never believe they are ill. gets worse with menopause which she is approaching. Children have neg. effects from regular divorce, but could it help kids if you remove the borderline as chief mentor, limited custody. Divorce in general can contribute to kids developing borderline personality disorder. Fear of abandonment lifelong is large part of borderline disorder. Divorce = abandonment.She is as stable as she gets while married to me. Divorce could institutionalize her. Thinking of kids, and me, a lot of suffering and infidelity has gone on secretly the bulk of our marriage. her mother was borderline and had MS. Misdiagnosed as depressed for s decade. She wsn truthful about cutting and suicide to her doc.
I would always recommend taking steps to protect the children, but leave open the option of a divorce. If there is a concern, get a restraining order with a requirement that she get help. Don’t expect an overnight miracle, it could take a couple of years, but in the end, it benefits the children to retain the structure of the family, even if it takes a couple of years to put it back together. That does not mean you do any screwing around. You remain dedicated to her in health and sickness. If it doesn’t work, than you move forward with the divorce. Here are some links to help.
To learn a father’s rights, join Dads House in Yahoo Groups. It’s free to join, access all materials, and you associate with other fathers going through, and have already gone through, the same issues. We have an Educational Manual that teaches everything that needs to be known in addressing your legal issues. Mention your question here when asked why you want to join, as well as your state?
Do you think divorce effects children for the rest of their lives?
My boyfriend’s parents divorced when he was 11. He and his brothers were then raised by his father who is a chauvenistic pig to say the least. My boyfriend is a great boyfriend and I believe he genuinely does love me but sometimes his views on women really worry me.
He thinks women are either slappers or virgins, scroungers or hard workers. He just has this opinion that women are either evil or nice and there’s no middle ground with him. When he’s having conversations with his brothers or friends then it’s always about how women are always “bitching and moaning” when our relationship couldn’t be further from that.
I’m a very easy going person and in the 7 months we’ve been together we haven’t had one major fight. He’s terrible for getting in grumpy moods and taking things out on me.
He has a child from a previous relationship, he takes care of that child full time because his ex didn’t want to know. This all added fuel to the fire and his view of women isn’t good.
I recently talked to him about this and he said that when he met me he was even worse and thought that I would end up screwing him over. He said that I’ve opened his eyes a little bit and showed him that not all women are the same. His overall view still hasn’t shifted though. Does it sound like he has issues?
In my opinion divorce among parents at any age takes a toll on the children and family. It does sound like he has a barrier, wall up around himself and is slowly but surely letting you break that wall down, issues not so much there are more men out in the world that think like this then you would even imagine your guy has just been in some life changing places being raised by your dad can turn out good or bad seems like his dad might have taught him a few things about life his way instead of letting him figure things out on his own for instance not every woman is like his baby momma. clearly since you are in his life. I think you are a wonderful person sticking it out hoping for the best..but HE needs to be careful before he pushes you away and some romantic comes and sweeps you off your feet.
Can anyone tell me where to go an find a scientific article about divorce and the effects is has on children?
I need this article to fullfill an assignment for one of my college courses. The article has to come from a scientific source and be related to divorce and the effects that divorce has on children or the effects it has on the relationship between children and the parents.
Kevin, Liverpool, England.
What are the effects of unhappy marriages on children?
Besides issues with emotional abuse from the (unwanted) parent in my parent’s marriage, what are the effects of unhappy marriage on children who grow up with it?
Growing up my dad was not very supportive of my mother and he is the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. I dislike him a lot. I remember when I was young I wished my mother would leave him. But they are still together, because of financial reasons.
I have a lot of trust isues in relationships. But I’m wondering what other effects do unhappy marriages have on children? My parents never used to show love to each other or hug or even kiss. I don’t think a peck on the lips or cheek is wrong in front of kids, so it’s not because of that. I know that my mom does not love my father. And neither does my dad love my mom. It was an “arranged” marriage, although we are not a traditional family.
I have met many friends whose parents were divorced (for some reason I get along well with these people…) and they actually seem happier and more well adjusted than me… I dont know
There is no love in our family.lolol