Effects Of Divorce – How Often Do You Feel Guilty?
I want to tell you about the effects of divorce I experienced myself. I know there are many, many websites about the effects of divorce, how bad it is for children, how to organize your new situation financially and practically, but that is not what I want to talk about here. I want to tell you the story of my life, and I want to take you on a trip through an area where I feel my divorce has had a much bigger impact than I would ever have imagined.
Feeling guilty has never been an issue for me. Maybe I sometimes wondered why I would not feel guilty in situations where most people would, but more than that I would not think about it. Last night, however, I talked to my husband about an occurrence of more than a year ago. He told me that it had been my mistake, and I felt really offended. Now, when I have a strong emotion, I know that that always points to some hidden thoughts and believes in my subconscious mind, and to my dismay I discovered that I was actually feeling guilty and disappointed in myself. I managed to localize the feeling as a little pebble in my stomach, and I realized that I had been feeling that pebble quite often over the last couple of years.
If somebody would have told me that I was over reacting out of guilt, I would have laughed at them. Me, feeling guilty? I am OK, just as I am, I am doing my meditation exercises to be at peace with myself and the world, no, guilt is an emotion which I hardly know.
I feel it when I put my daughter on the school bus, I feel it when I hear her talk to her Dad on the phone, I feel it when I see the dishes piled up in the sink.
What is it that makes me feel guilty so often? Me, who thought that guilt was not something which belonged to my emotional repertoire… Am I feeling disappointed about myself?
Somehow I have a different expectation than what I actually am, feel, do, think. I feel disappointed when I see the reality of me: When I forget to phone my friend on her birthday, even though I know it is important to her, When I promise that I will help the neighbor with her spring clean, although i know that I’m probably not going to make it, When I talk on the phone about my brother to my Dad, and I know that he is going to tell Mom, who tells my sister-in-law, who tells my brother…
Expectations lead to disappointment (Buddha)
Comparing yourself to others is probably the biggest mistake you can make if you want to be happy. My husband used to compare his parenting skills to the parentings skills of his ex-wife, and needless to say, he would fail badly. As soon as he started to see that fathering skills are completely different to mothering skills, he became more at ease with his own parenting style, and the relationship with his children started to improve dramatically. Even the relationship with his ex-wife improved, as she started to sense that it would not help her to judge him according to her standards.
The way to get out of this Catch 22 is simple but not so easy. Especially when these hidden effects of divorce hit us, some of these believes can be very deeply rooted in our heart and head. The first step is to localize the feeling as it manifests itself in our body. As soon as we know which body sensation is pointing to the emotion of guilt and disappointment, we have to start being aware of it. After some practice, we start to realize what is happening every time we feel the sensation.
The second step… You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And even more, you have no obligation to be perfect. You should not even try to be perfect! You are OK, just as you are. Your past is your past, yo 00004000 u took decisions which you would not take today, but then, you did not know then what you know today. Forgive your mistakes, and tell yourself that at least you learned from them.
Step three… If you forgive yourself, you will also be much more lenient towards others. Your relationship with the world around you will look so much easier and better the moment you start doing this.
The concluding step four: So I forgive myself and others, which means I have better relationships, and much less stress. This means I do not make the mistakes I made before due to stress, and I have less reason to feel guilty and disappointed.
Frequently Asked Questions
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QUESTION:
Where Can I Find Info On Effects Of Divorce on Children?
I’m writing a research paper about how divorce effects children. I need how it affects their behaviors such as likeliness to drink, do drugs and have sex. Please give me answers and/or websites to find this info. thank you!-
ANSWER:
Interview divorced children.I’ve known several – they turned gay, runaways, shoplifters – drugs, jailed, dropped out of school and living from one friends’ house to another.
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QUESTION:
Do you think divorce effects children for the rest of their lives?
My boyfriend’s parents divorced when he was 11. He and his brothers were then raised by his father who is a chauvenistic pig to say the least. My boyfriend is a great boyfriend and I believe he genuinely does love me but sometimes his views on women really worry me.He thinks women are either slappers or virgins, scroungers or hard workers. He just has this opinion that women are either evil or nice and there’s no middle ground with him. When he’s having conversations with his brothers or friends then it’s always about how women are always “bitching and moaning” when our relationship couldn’t be further from that.
I’m a very easy going person and in the 7 months we’ve been together we haven’t had one major fight. He’s terrible for getting in grumpy moods and taking things out on me.
He has a child from a previous relationship, he takes care of that child full time because his ex didn’t want to know. This all added fuel to the fire and his view of women isn’t good.
I recently talked to him about this and he said that when he met me he was even worse and thought that I would end up screwing him over. He said that I’ve opened his eyes a little bit and showed him that not all women are the same. His overall view still hasn’t shifted though. Does it sound like he has issues?
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ANSWER:
In my opinion divorce among parents at any age takes a toll on the children and family. It does sound like he has a barrier, wall up around himself and is slowly but surely letting you break that wall down, issues not so much there are more men out in the world that think like this then you would even imagine your guy has just been in some life changing places being raised by your dad can turn out good or bad seems like his dad might have taught him a few things about life his way instead of letting him figure things out on his own for instance not every woman is like his baby momma. clearly since you are in his life. I think you are a wonderful person sticking it out hoping for the best..but HE needs to be careful before he pushes you away and some romantic comes and sweeps you off your feet.
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QUESTION:
Emotional Divorce Effects on Children?
I’m doing a reserach project on the emotional divorce effects on children and i would like your input on how many different emotional effects are afflicted on children of divorce. For example, how children emotionally cope and live with divorce, the emotional patterns they manifest throughout the divorce, how divorce emotionally affects children at school and other social insititutions, the emotional strains/burdens that the children are forced to carry towards their future adulthood, how a divorce situation at a young age can grow or expand emotional, relationship, social and psychological issues at the reach of adulthood, and how divorce affects a child’s future goals and committments. Also, what statistical or demographical information can you incorporate with the above aspects? Or better yet, do you know of any website that provides accurate and comprehensive information and statistics about the emotional divorce effects on children? Thanks, I would really appreciate it.-
ANSWER:
It is fkd for kidsIt is fkd for parents
Divorce is just Fkd !!!
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QUESTION:
What are some positive effects of divorce on children?
I am writing a speech on the effects of divorce on children. For my negative effects I have depression, academic problems, and long term problems with relationships. For my positive side I have that it is better for the parents to not be together so that the child doesn’t witness a lot of fighting and an unhealthy relationship, and also if the child is being abused by one of the parents. What could be a third positive effect?-
ANSWER:
Divorce will always negatively impact children no matter what. There is no sugar coating it. The 3rd positive effect would be that the divorce may allow a child to experience freedoms that may not have been there with the additional parent. Mine was like that. I had more freedoms as a kid and did more quality things with my dad than I would have if they stayed together. You could say my sense for adventure, creativity and taking risks was due to this upbringing. But as stated, you also have the negative effects which are emotional and carryover as adults. Bonding is hurt, and apathy is more prevalent with children of divorce when it comes to any relationships, including immediate family.
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QUESTION:
what are some positive effects of divorce on children?
I am writing a speech on the effects of divorce on children. For my negative effects I have depression, academic problems, and long term problems with relationships. For my positive side I have that it is better for the parents to not be together so that the child doesn’t witness a lot of fighting and an unhealthy relationship, and also if the child is being abused by one of the parents. What could be a third positive effect?-
ANSWER:
The child doesn’t feel like they’re in the middle of the arguments, have to choose one side or the other, and doesn’t feel like the arguing is their fault or that it’s their responsibility to make things better.
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