Dating After Divorce – When is it Too Soon to Date After a Divorce?
Making the choice to begin dating after divorce may cause lots of emotions for you. The thought can be exciting, scary, happy or even sad. But what about the feelings your kids may be having about it?
One of the most important aspects to keep in mind when considering your children’s reactions is how long you have been divorced.
This has a huge impact on kids. Divorce research has shown time and time again, that kids take much longer to deal with all of the changes that come about as a result of a divorce than you are. The kids probably are still reeling from the divorce, while you’re thinking about dating again.
Your dating makes this whole divorce thing much more real. Before then, you and their other parent just aren’t living in the same house. Even though you’ve told your kids hundreds of times it won’t work, they will still think there’s the possibility that things may change and go back to “normal”.
You going out with someone esle, makes the divorce much more real to them. It’s NOT just that you aren’t in the same house now. It’s that somebody else may “replace” their other parent.
If this happens too soon, it can be overwhelming for kids. They are still grieving the loss of their old family and it feels to them that you’re already trying to replace it with another family. It will feel this way to kids, even if it’s just a first date.
Another aspect that complicates things is whether an affair is what broke up the marriage. If you begin dating too soon, kids may start wondering if that was the reason for the divorce. This will not start you and your new partner off on the right foot with your kids.
Because of all these reasons, be prepared for your kids to be upset to some extent about your dating. Does that mean you shouldn’t begin dating? Not necessarily. But I will offer these questions to you if you’re dating less than 4 months after your divorce is final (the keyword in that sentence is FINAL):
1. Why now?
2. What are you hoping for by dating again?
3. What have YOU done for yourself to help heal after your divorce?
4. How well are you getting along with your ex-spouse?
I would suggest waiting awhile if the answers to these revolve around fear of being alone, not feeling a need to look back at your previous marriage or if there is still a lot of conflict between you and your ex. Not only are your kids not ready, but neither are you.
Frequently Asked Questions
-
QUESTION:
Dating after divorce, would you suggest dating someone with kids or without and why?
Did you share more in common with those who had the same life experiences such as divorce and kids than someone without kids who doesn’t know or understand that responsibility?-
ANSWER:
Date someone that is emotionally and physically healthy, financially stable, available and without a criminal record.Whether they have kids or not is not important, what is important is that they are mature and man enough to handle your baggage and viceversa.
Do not bring home a string of “uncles” that are only going to be passer byes. Keep your dating life out of children, until you find someone that you know is going to stick around for a while and hopefully for good.
Do not get attached too quickly and this time, do not compromise with what you deserve and what you need. Do not take whomever comes first and overlook their obvious flaws just because you are lonely. Do not make your romantic interest your crying rag complaining about your ex-husband/ex-boyfriend misfortunes.
Good luck
-
-
QUESTION:
Dating with Kids after divorce? How do I get started?
I am divorced mother of three children. I have never really dated anyone, but my kids father, so I do not know how to date. When men approach me I kind of brush them off because I do not really know how to entertain their attention. Right now I want to go out with men but really to get acquainted with the dating world and move forward. If I meet a nice guy and he is the one so be it, but I just want to have fun with the opposite sex. How do I get out there or get started?-
ANSWER:
Start with low cut shirt, maybe a nice push up bra. The rest will take care of itself.
-
-
QUESTION:
After divorce dating with kids….?
Did you date after your divorce? I have two kids ages 10 and 3 I feel kind of lonely and not sure if i should date right now. Or should I wait til they are older….-
ANSWER:
Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you should have to not have a social life. Obviously you need to be careful, but you have the right to try to be happy.
-
-
QUESTION:
When is it ok for your kids to start thinking about dating after divorce?
If your spouse not only cheated but with a family member and the kids and you found out after a long divorce..when can you start to think about dating? I don’t want to hurt them more and my kids have forbid me (saying, “NO MAMA, no boyfriends! You have us!” etc) to even think about it, so here I sit after a few years thinking maybe now? But I have tested it out saying things like “I think I want a boyfriend” etc and they just laugh and hug me and say the same old “NOOOOO MAMA YOU HAVE US!” HELP!! lol-
ANSWER:
Well if the divorce is over and its been a few years and you are interested in dating I would go ahead and do it. As much as you love your children, there is a such thing as them being too attached. I am not sure if the ex was abusive, but usually kids wouldn’t react that way. Especially, in todays society — because divorces aren’t rare. But if they are really like this, I would wait until all the children have reached 7th grade, by then they should understand relationships.
-
-
QUESTION:
How has divorce and dating after divorce affected your kids?
Hi, I am doing a report on divorces and dating after wards and how kids feel about that [along with parents feelings]. I need to know if parents feel lonely and would like someone else to help you raise your kids or to give you some company [adult company]. How did your kids feel? Did they feel depressed? Did they feel like they could open straight up to you and tell you how they feel? Did they automatically just reject them because they may think him/her is taking the place of their mom/dad. Please tell me if the mom/dad has passed away because that may affect the way they act. I would like to do a section on how they react when one of the parents is deceased. Thanks for your help,*Ashley*
-
ANSWER:
Her father wasn’t really much of a participant in her life after she hit 6 months old. That was my “job”, despite my full time paying job. He was self-absorbed to the point, that when we left when she was 3, she didn’t even notice he was gone. I divorced him when she was 4, and explained that he and I weren’t married any more, but we were still her daddy and mommy and loved her very much. She could have cared less, as long as she was still loved and adored.I dated occasionally, but never introduced anyone to her. I would get a sitter, and meet the guy, but never brought them home. I thought it would be wrong of me to bring anyone into her life unless he was in it for the long haul.
I worked full time so I had all the adult company I needed. I found that raising a child alone was easier than raising a child with the wrong person. I was more lonely when I was married than I ever was divorced, and I liked my own company really well.
My daughter was loved and adored. My focus was around raising her to be a good person. So, she was a very secure, confident child. She told me everything when she was a kid, and tells me way more than I really want to know (sometimes) now that she’s an adult. I can tell you who was the first, what it was like…and all sorts of things. She tells people I am her “best friend”….and, at the age of 28, still tells me I am the best mommy in the whole wide world..and has added in…and the only parent who counts. (*chuckle*)
Her father is still alive. They have a relationship, but it’s one that they defined. I encouraged her to spend as much time as possible with him when she was little, and allowed her to form her own conclusions of him. She’s very smart.
Frankly, had I remained married to her father, I suspect she’d have been a manipulative little twit, insecure and unhappy. She was and is a happy, well adjusted person who knows how to take care of herself, but also knows she’s loved and can count on me. And I know she loves me and I can count on her.
I like her…she grew up pretty darn cool.
-
